Daily comtemplations | pizero's Blog

I'd love to restart my daily self-reflection/contemplation that I've stopped for almost a year now...

It's benn how long now... ah, 2 years+ ? Yes, it's been 2 years + since I broke up with my ex, and I was at the bottom of my emotional trouble.

Now, I've found another girlfriend, and a much more satisfying relationship... anyway, I haven't had a need to rant for so long, but nowadays I'm starting to be plagued by a new type of emotional trouble...

It's about my career. Right now I'm a grad student in a prestigous university, but I'm constantly feeling inadequate. Inadequate in what? In the field that I'm pursuing. I'm not sure why really, I think it's because there are just too many people who are really good in my department. I've often told myself to not compare myself against others (I should only focus on my own improvements), but recently I've been feeling really down, and often times I get extremely unproductive, going on youtube, random websites and what not.

It just feels... like the field of my interest isn't that meaningful anymore. I just listened to this TED talk about success and a "gentler philosophy". I guess the conclusion is that the society more often than not focus too much on self-empowerment and associates failure with inadequacy. Whereas a lot of times, failures come from random chances and other factors outside of our control.

Anyway... I think my problem has been that I'm trying to be successful in other people's terms. I'm trying to follow the academic path, the path with lots of publications (and particular kinds of publications). But that doesn't really define my kind of success.

I have to be reminded the real reason I study what I study now. It's not for money, it's not for fame, and it's not for... success. It's merely for my own curiousity, and my own desire to make sense out of the world.

I should always keep that philosophy in mind. Really, living without a philosophy is blind. I need to redefine myself, and redefine meaning, not in terms of what others conceive of me, but how much I stick to my own principles.

I think that's enough for the day.