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pizero's Blog


Depression??

There, I said it.

I don't know what it is. My life is going well. Very well I mind you. And I think I have an issue. I'm depressed.
Why in the world am I depressed?

If you really ask me. Sure, I can give you plenty of reasons. But I don't think any of them are REAL reasons. My gf is doing a study abroad, I miss her but it's all good. Sure, I feel lonely being alone... no that can't be it.

Okay, I suck at my work. I don't have enough published papers. I'm a fucking failure in my field. I have no originality, no creativity... I don't even have the will and convictions to carry out research. Hell, still that can't be it.

I still cannot convince me that these are the real reasons I'm depressed. Damn it, it's this disease of the mind. What can I do? How can I combat it. I have nobody to help me except myself. I have to try, try and try somemore.

To be social? Heck, I am social. I talk to people, I have not shortage of friends. I tried to go to events, meet new people. But... it all feels... meaningless. I exercise, I run, I swim, I do some strength training and yoga on my own. Damnit, it's still not enough.

GOD DAMNIT!!!! arrrrrrruuuuuuGGGGGG!!!! maybe I just need to take a deep breathe.

Searching for something

I am just not feeling right. I can't exactly pinpoint what. Arg! I only have around 4 hours left to sleep. When am I not sleeping?

Okay backtrack a little bit. I must say recently I've been feeling down. One of the things that annoyed me was a little experiment I did--the stock market.

This is totally not my style. I am completely against living for the sake of money. This is the reason I am in academia. If I were to care so much about money I wouldn't spend time doing what I'm doing now. I want to make the world a better place, I want to share the beautiful vision we have about the universe from the most pragmatic view-point -- science. I want to learn and explore and understand, and just... try to understand why we are here, why we exist, and how could such a beautiful universe, filled with order and chaos, come to exist as a coherent whole....

Anyway, I figured I'd find something to do other than research, and take a look at what the deal is with money before passing judgement on it (one shouldn't dismissed something before examining it in a little more details). Anyway, I dumped around 20k in, the stocks performed well, and one week ago, I have about $1400 extra in my account. Puff, that's all gone in just the last 3 days, and I finally decided--to hell with it, I'm selling it.

But then, I'm now regretting again, maybe I shouldn't have sold, I shouldn't have admitted defeat and held on... the conflict goes on and on...

Then I realize why people are so agonized about this thing we called money. Boy, I could've had an extra 1k sitting around for traveling! Look if I just HAD sold earlier.

But really, do I honestly really need that money? I was fine all along without ever investing in anything. It had never come to me that I could have had an extra $1k  out of the blue. But the possibility came up, I was hooked.

But what is money? How much is something worth... well it's worth as much as people are willing to buy em! It's an illusion. An illusion imposed by the tyranny of the majority. Indeed, I have sunk so low, I was at the mercy of the tyranny of the majority. I let valued be determined by other people. Hence the source of my sorrow... a sensation of loss.

And such is indeed the most powerful force on earth. In the name of promoting oneself (getting more capital) based on others' opinions, we've created war, destruction of the planet, exploitations, and general human stress and unhappiness. On the other hand, without money, we could not have achieved great things like science, medicine, flourishing culture and intellectual pursuits.

This is where a fine balance must be achieved. I think I have a taste of what life is like on the other side (the money side), and it is rather distasteful. Money up, money down, is more or less out of our hands. Yet we feel as though it is something we can control. So when things do not go our way, we see problems. I don't want to live as one of these wandering jelly-fish going with the current.

There is more value than just money. There has to be. Amid all the suffering and toil and un-satisfaction in the world, we can do better I think. I am seriously behind on my meditation. I want to see beauty beyond these ephemeral social constructs. I need to remind myself, that the real value in something does not lie within agreements among other people. This is what will make my life unique--to create a new sense of value, to show them the things they might have overlooked, and to let them see what I see as valuable-- it'll be something far more unique that monetary values, something amazing, something about the universe. A vision of what the world is fundamentally, and a deep appreciation that for some strange reason, we, as products of all the chaos itself, have become self-aware and are starting to reconstruct bits of this and that, however minute the bits may be compared to unimaginable infinite expanses that embrace us.

I think I should be able to sleep now, I'll be heading into the woods for a backpacking trip tomorrow! I'm excited!
 

Daily comtemplations

I'd love to restart my daily self-reflection/contemplation that I've stopped for almost a year now...

It's benn how long now... ah, 2 years+ ? Yes, it's been 2 years + since I broke up with my ex, and I was at the bottom of my emotional trouble.

Now, I've found another girlfriend, and a much more satisfying relationship... anyway, I haven't had a need to rant for so long, but nowadays I'm starting to be plagued by a new type of emotional trouble...

It's about my career. Right now I'm a grad student in a prestigous university, but I'm constantly feeling inadequate. Inadequate in what? In the field that I'm pursuing. I'm not sure why really, I think it's because there are just too many people who are really good in my department. I've often told myself to not compare myself against others (I should only focus on my own improvements), but recently I've been feeling really down, and often times I get extremely unproductive, going on youtube, random websites and what not.

It just feels... like the field of my interest isn't that meaningful anymore. I just listened to this TED talk about success and a "gentler philosophy". I guess the conclusion is that the society more often than not focus too much on self-empowerment and associates failure with inadequacy. Whereas a lot of times, failures come from random chances and other factors outside of our control.

Anyway... I think my problem has been that I'm trying to be successful in other people's terms. I'm trying to follow the academic path, the path with lots of publications (and particular kinds of publications). But that doesn't really define my kind of success.

I have to be reminded the real reason I study what I study now. It's not for money, it's not for fame, and it's not for... success. It's merely for my own curiousity, and my own desire to make sense out of the world.

I should always keep that philosophy in mind. Really, living without a philosophy is blind. I need to redefine myself, and redefine meaning, not in terms of what others conceive of me, but how much I stick to my own principles.

I think that's enough for the day.

Falling in Love... ?

wow... the more I get to know her...

the more I realize... slowly, I'm falling in love with her. I'm a little scared, almost, that I... I just don't want to be hurt anymore. But if I just love her as much as I could, how could it go wrong?

Anyhow, I shouldn't hold back, I'll give it all... it's about time.

loneliness...

I thought I was done with this feeling...
or at least I've escaped far enough.

Let's see, it's been more than 13 months.
This can't be the reason I'm lonely, this can't be it, it's too simple, and I wish it was this simple.

I have met someone new already,
and once again I've given in, I've set myself loose. I don't really know what the reason is... love? what is the meaning of love? Why would I care for someone I've only met for... a month? What does it even mean?

I get philosophical when I am depressed.
Oh how foolish I think to myself sometimes. How silly can I be? playing this game they call... love? What is love but a intricate sequence of chemical reaction? I almost can't convince myself to... to love? but yet I can't help it... It just happens... I've taken her to nice places, I've let go of my fear and put her in my priority list. I've put her needs above my needs... I've let "it" overwhelm me again... I've...

And tomorrow I'll be taking her out to NYC. I want to show her the romantic Hudson river in the evening, I want to show her how among the huge wandering crowd that is in NYC, we've found each other...

I am not good with words at all... I suppose I'm just shy with words. Though I make it up through actions. I've bought some nice candles; a nice back massage should relax her well for the weekend.

Yet still... something doesn't feel right. I almost... don't feel any excitement for tomorrow's should-be-amazing date. Perhaps it's my own problem, my own fear due to past experience. We've been through several amazing dates already. I took her kayaking, stargaze at the beach, and various dancing events, and we had great times together. That wasn't even the most significant part: we connect much more than just the superficial "fun" level. I made a point to learn her view of life, her sentiments regarding the past and the world, and I try to be as empathetic as possible to see her views, and to stand by her side, not only physically, but philosophically and emotionally.

Perhaps I'm selfish. I sometimes feel foolish for trying so hard. What is the point? But why am I complaining? am I expecting any return anyway? Perhaps I am, yes, indeed everyone is selfish in some way... It's the same problems again... is it?

It's this fear I have. It seems to me as though, that girls are attracted to me because I just try so so hard... but do they really try to reach out to me? In the end, it makes me feel so left out at times... so alone and lonely... I thought by giving and giving, perhaps I will get something back. Unfortunately the world does not work this way.

This can't be the answer. I've done 10 minutes yoga earlier and felt a lot better, but something still isn't right. Sigh, night time isn't a good time for contemplating... I fear insomnia will creep in again. Perhaps physics can occupy my mind instead... at least I can be productive... no?

time flies...

it's almost 13 months and counting...

I was in such a horrible mood earlier.
And I just couldn't hold it anymore... yoga wasn't as effective as before.

This overwhelming sadness is getting less frequent. It's an improvement I suppose...
but not tonight, let me just let it all out, one more time...

Need to get it off my chest...

I don't get it.

I've been going out with another girl for two weeks or so.
Slowly I'm realising something... 

I'm not nearly as easily moved as before, and I get annoyed more easily. I honestly tried very hard to be as accommodating as possible, but...

something is just missing. Perhaps I have this unrealistic vision/expectation... I thought I wanted to find someone who views the world with a similar vision as I do. Somehow that... intimidates me I suppose?

I dunno why I was so annoyed... actually, I mentioned something about being a nice boyfriend and she clarified to me that I'm not a boyfriend yet. A matter of semantics I suppose. But somehow I feel annoyed.

And unfortunately it evoked old sentiments. I know exactly what it was. It raised the same feeling when my ex told me she "wasn't sure" anymore.  And then I grew angry and cynical. That was absolutely not the mood I enjoy being in.

I'm getting sleepy.. I don't think what I just typed made too much sense... but I just gotta get this thought off my chest.

A year has passed.

A year has passed since the break up.

I honestly don't know how I got through it... it's been quite difficult at times.
But I got used to it. The depression loneliness and solitude sometimes bring, and I've found ways around it.

And... I supposed I've slowly gone into acceptance. I don't really expect anything to happen, really.
I'm sure she's moved on, and I've just met another new girl.

They say one never forgets his/her first love. I suppose it's true.
Sometimes I still daydream and yearn for the love we once had. Perhaps it's not her that I really long for... I just miss the affection and understanding we once had for one another.

Really, it's for the best, and it's a good lesson... and from this lesson I learned how to love. I refuse to let this shadow get me down. I will use this lesson to love the people around me, and perhaps my new acquaintance will become my lover.

And I promise, I will love better with all my might; for all the hurt that I've been through, I'll learn how to better nurture and treasure this love...


don't understand...

I've exhausted myself pretty completely today. It was an awesome day, amazing hike, amazing views, everything was just amazing.

Somehow this still isn't enough. I have one more day, one more day of pushing myself through. These all still feel like an escape. I don't understand... why???

depression, again.

I don't get this. I've physically exhausted myself pretty well today. Went on an amazing hike through the hills of Chamonix. Saw some spectacular glacier, and semi-recklessly climbed up some forbidden glacier regions... a total win day I would say.

It's a great day. Of course it's a great day. What more could I ask for.
For some reason, I still feel depressed. Somehow, no matter what I do, I seem to arrive at the same place.

This lonely feeling, I can't stand it. Why? It all seems to be a huge escape.
Physics, traveling, adventuring, making friends... No, no one in the right mind would say my life sucks, not even close. My life absolutely rocks and everyday is filled with exciting discoveries and experiences. I'm wayy more fortunate enough than most to have these many kinds of opportunities--to see the world.

But then WTF is wrong with me?

It's okay, it's okay... this too will pass. This mood swing only happens at night anyway, and this mood swing is just a remnants of the pasts...

Loneliness...

It's such a strange concept... and indeed, it's become a habit of mine. It's midnight here... and the moon complements the mountains perfectly.

ah...

good... night??

I'm really REALLY tired.... a bit jet lagged going Switzerland.

I'm still feeling lost... it almost feels... like I'm not really in France yet. But yet I'm here. A different country, a different culture. We went to a village today and it was absolutely beautiful (the typical picturesque European village). And we got plenty of good wine.

Now I should sleep... oh boy.. I don't know what's going on, but somehow... all these traveling... are making me feel... numb. They're losing their meanings. My newest obsession of "traveling" is slowing fading into... just another form of escape.

On well... I'm wayyy too sleepy to be typing this... I can barely coherently make a sentence out... good night.

aaaarrrggggghhhh....

damnit, why?

Why am I so ******** depressed??

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I CAN'T LET IT CONSUME ME!!
FIIIGGGHHHT FOR IT!!

Oh... why....Switzerland...

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm supposed to be super excited.
I got a flight to Switzerland tomorrow, it will be an amazing trip with friends... We'll be going to France, Switzerland and Germany.

But no... I feel lethargic and... where is my optimism? Where is my jumping up and down spirit? That's not the me that I know, what's wrong?

I suppose it's pretty obvious... oh Switzerland... in fact, I'm heading back to the exact same place where I met my ex. I'll probably pass by the exact location when we first kissed. That was a pretty "staged" kiss, but it was a perfect one. It was actually pretty stupid... I took her out on a nice walk. Grabbed a bottle of rose and got some truffles. We were just walking and walking... and talking.. and then we walked back to the "dorm" (or hotel). Right before that place, there was a garden, filled with... well, it was just the perfect garden for my first kiss. I won't say why but it was just absolutely perfect.

I was just looking at her, a bit shy and nervous. I sorta mumble to myself... in fact I mumbled out loud... "should I do it?". She was then smiling, and said, "just do it". And slowly I lean toward her and I kissed her. Just a light kiss on the lips. Needless to say, a few thousands followed in the days that came.

Oh memories... oh why... why do I have to bring it up?? I don't know. It's been so long. Why? This feeling.. in fact... hasn't changed a single bit. It's just be buried and locked up... somewhere deep inside my head. I'll go back to that place again. But this time, she won't be around, it'll just be me....

and It all seems like... a dream. Perhaps it was a dream. How could anything like this be real anyway? How could it? Oh... I remember... I remember the places we went to... the traveling we did throughout Switzerland... The Swiss Festival, and at Paris (that's in France but... still) and.... sigh...

Indeed, this trip that I'm having, would've been our.. anniversary trip? How silly of me... I remember all the dates. When we first met, when we first kissed... and sadly, when we broke up.

It's okay. There really isn't anything I can do. Except to just... just.... let go... I guess some may ask. Why? Do I still love her? Then why not go for it? This isn't some crazy Korean drama...

No, the message has been pretty clear, and I should complete this resolution. I asked her many times whether she'd be willing to communicate and make compromises, and every time her answer was "I don't know". It's okay, I stand firm by my reasons of ending it, and I will keep reminding myself. I simply can't take this answer of "I don't know" anymore. We're either in this together or we are not, there is no "I don't know". In fact, an "I don't know" to me simply means, "NO, but I'm too nice to say it in your face". This still angers me... it does. Must let go... let go...

Anyway, good night, I got a long trip ahead of me.


What is wrong with me?

I know something isn't right...

Everytime... around this time of the day, I get really nostalgic.

And I would feel extremely lost and uncertain. I admit, there are some psychological issues going on. I just kept delving... but not really delving into anything at the same time. Like a mindless walk to the middle of nowhere.

What am I trying to find really? why?
Am I missing something in my life? Do I even know? Perhaps it has to do with the breakup. It's been almost a year already, why?

Am I feeling lonely? am I? I don't even know how to answer these questions anymore. I feel like a stranger to myself. I'll gone to Switzerland in two days. Traveling around with friends would be awesome, and it should make me happy.

Yet I barely feel any excitement. I haven't even packed anything yet. Didn't look into any travel information. Blah. Oh that place... it was the place I fell in love with my ex. Geneva. I still remember lake Geneve, and the Swiss festival. Beautiful fireworks... I still remember that moment, when I saw that big boom in the sky. I wondered to myself... holding my love at that time... "what does it all mean?" I gave her a kiss nonetheless. Forgetting exactly what I was thinking and just was just enjoying the moment while it lasted.

That was it... it will never happen again. Though I still hope to return to that place. I don't know why... perhaps to catch a glimpse of... our... no excuse me, "my" romantic fantasy? of my little fairy tale...

I shouldn't be pessimistic. It's okay. Sigh. I honestly don't know how I can stay calm in front of my friends when I visit that place. It's strange how if one looks on the surface, one would never see how deeply something actually affects me. I may seem totally absent minded but my memories are extremely vivid. Many many powerful images.... No, I problem can't hold it back... it's one of our special places together. It's where I gave her my first kiss. It's where our love and affection took off. We were inseparable... and the way we were together... was the way I wanted to live. Everyday I wake up, I find reasons not just to be awake, but to live and experience. In fact, that life wasn't an impossible one. We could've easily gone for it. Wasn't even that big of a compromise...

I suppose it's okay. I never enjoy contemplate what could have been. These thoughts are as a far they'll go... right here on this blog. Eventually I will move on. I will find love once again. I'll find reasons to love, to give.... and I'll make that compromise. We will make that compromise. Until then, I'll keep my eyes open. I still have work to do to let go, but it's okay... it will be okay, just give it time.



Depression?

back from conference... somehow I'm feeling very depressed. Maybe I should sleep, there's plenty of work awaiting me.

10 months

It's been 10 months... since my first gf and I broke up.

Sigh... 10 months... and it is still haunting me.

Memories.... so many memories... fading. I don't know. I just need to get this feeling off my chest. She's moving on, she's forgotten about us. Perhaps not, probably not. I'm sure she still remembers, but she is moving on.

I have no intention to find out how she's doing. I'm more certain than not that she is doing fine. I do not want to be involved in anything either. I do not want jealousy, I simply want to forget.

I've accepted this break up as a fact. and I will be happy for her if she finds love elsewhere. It's okay. I understand what reality is.

Yet... this feeling. It's more for myself than anyone really. I miss her. I miss loving her. I miss the traveling we did, the adventures we had, and the genuine caring conversations and affections we had for one another.

I miss the days when I could knock on her door, and ask her to come with me to the sunflower field in the evening. We would chat, we would grab a nice bottle of red wine. I'd buy her some really nice truffles... the nice Switzerland champagne truffles (it's in Switzerland, and so definitely legit high quality truffles). We'd enjoy them together... indulging in some fine candy and wine... We'd chat about childhood memories, we'd try to understand each other and provide support for the little chores, work, and trouble around us... and everything would melt just like the truffles. All the troubles would magically go away... spending time with her felt like the whole world was coming to a stop, I was sure that she felt the same way

I'd give her a passionate kiss... or a nice shoulder rub. I'd hold her in my arms, gently embracing her and keeping her warm (it was a very mild summer weather, but still). I would tell her how much I love her, and tell her where we could go, and how we could experience life together, and travel together.

I was ready to plan my life around her, to adjust my career path so we may stay together. What is prestige to me anyway? What is Fame? Money? or even Successes? My career? No, none of them counts as much as my love. The way I learned and understood love was... one makes sacrifices for it. Love isn't taken for granted, love is taking and giving. I'd settle for less for her. At least I seriously thought about it. I told her about it. As long as she was serious enough, I'd pull the trigger. I'd take the risks. But no, she wasn't sure, she never gave me a straight answer.

Anyway, none of it will ever happen again. I ended it all, it was over. I've accepted that fact as well. I know I'd find love again, but it wouldn't be the same again, nor do I expect it to.

But I just miss all that we've been through. I could tell, we had a genuine loving relationship. Well, it's better to have loved and lost it... I agree. Still, I miss her.

It's my way of coping with the losses really. I'm a reasonable person I believe. I am realistic, and I understand how harsh the reality can be. Sometimes, one just can't help it.

I don't know... I just feel depressed. Perhaps I'm in the depression stage. I've been back and forth in the Acceptance and Depression stage...

Sigh... and everything I've done since we broke up, seemed like an escape. Everything feels so empty and meaningless. Grad school, work, socializing.... blah. Everything seems to be redefined... and...

Arghh... I've changed. I've changed a great deal. I've built up defenses. I've understood myself a lot more. I've... I've learned, I've grown. Perhaps blogging really is a good idea, I shouldn't have stopped, I shouldn't have deleted my old account and those pages and pages of blogs.

Whatever, it's okay. No regrets. I don't live my life with regrets. I inject positive thinking in my philosophy, and I use introspection to straighten my psychologies and thought patterns.

It's okay... ah, I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow will be a good day, don't worry friend. It's okay, it's okay.

Distraction...

It's all a giant distraction... everything that I've been doing... yet I continue on, seemingly without any purpose...

Escape

Just want to forget and run away.

Nostalgic

I don't like this Nostalgic feeling...

Oh memories... on the way home, I saw a really bright full moon and I stopped by the lake to chillout a bit. No one was around, it was almost totaly dark except of course the moon light...

Oh dear memories... they can be so haunting sometimes.

1-20 of 25 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Depression??, posted August 8th, 2013
Searching for something, posted June 24th, 2013
Daily comtemplations, posted November 3rd, 2012
Falling in Love... ?, posted October 24th, 2011
loneliness..., posted October 21st, 2011
time flies..., posted September 30th, 2011
Need to get it off my chest..., posted September 30th, 2011
A year has passed., posted September 18th, 2011
don't understand..., posted August 20th, 2011
depression, again., posted August 12th, 2011
Loneliness..., posted August 11th, 2011
good... night??, posted July 27th, 2011
aaaarrrggggghhhh...., posted July 25th, 2011
Oh... why....Switzerland..., posted July 25th, 2011
What is wrong with me?, posted July 24th, 2011
Depression?, posted July 20th, 2011
10 months, posted July 19th, 2011
Distraction..., posted July 17th, 2011
Escape, posted July 16th, 2011
Nostalgic, posted July 14th, 2011
Dear blog:, posted July 13th, 2011
A crazy year..., posted July 9th, 2011
Nastalgic..., posted May 18th, 2011
depressed?, posted May 9th, 2011
Sadness..., posted April 30th, 2011

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