I don't like this Nostalgic feeling...
Oh memories... on the way home, I saw a really bright full moon and I stopped by the lake to chillout a bit. No one was around, it was almost totaly dark except of course the moon light...
Oh dear memories... they can be so haunting sometimes.
Oh no... it has begun again...
this craving... for blogging...
Come on, I've been blogged constantly 3 months ago, and then just went straight cold turkey -> I deleted my account and 100+ blog entries. Why did I do it? I got pretty obsessive...
It can't be unhealthy I admit. It's a pretty good release... for something. It's a way for me to listen to myself. To hear my own voice, to judge and be judged and reflect and... heck I don't know.
I am feeling nostalgic again. Yeah, this whole ordeal of... blogging, was entirely initiated from breaking up with my ex. Hell, it's almost been a year, and I still can't get her totally out of my head. This will take a while.
Good memories, bad memories... they all don't matter anymore. I'm really in the acceptance stage... very slowly... gaining acceptance, more and more, everyday. I used to think maybe she will come back. maybe she'll tell me, she's made a mistake. Oh by the way, yes, I did break up with her, but she was the one telling me she wanted to "take a break". I flat out told her, "never talk to me again, we are absolutely through", and it wasn't the first time drama was created in the relationship through some stupid "I don't even know why" reasons. I talked to her on the phone so many times before hand asking what's wrong, and than she just came out of the blue after almost 2 weeks of me trying to communicate...whatever.
Enough rant, for it's neither meaningful nor useful. It doesn't matter who did what right/wrong. Who care, I certainly did something wrong. I certainly got angry and moody and all.
Doesn't matter. Hell.
I've been trying sooo hard. Everyday feels like a battle. Everyday I find ways to distract myself. Somehow life goes on. Sometimes I'd remember back... back in the days when she used to be my sweet heart... but then someday I'd think, hell, I'm glad I ended it. For sure I'd lose control if I ever see her again. But it won't happen. She's far away now, and I absolutely blocked everything about her online.
Am I being cruel? Sure maybe, but I did send a sincere apology (even though that wasn't really necessary) and offer friendship as she desired. Really? friendship? in reality? no. I can't. If I ever say she's just a friend, I'd be plain lying. But nonetheless, I offered it, I said 'if you need me in anything, I'd be around as a friend'. Still, since then, not a single message. I haven't sent her anything either. Perhaps it's mutual, perhaps it's for the best.
sigh... no, a big SIGH.... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
I tell you man...
When I love someone, I give it all. I don't fool around. I'm sick and tired of this "playboy" attitude most people tend to have (guys and girls). When I said, "I love you", I fucking mean it. And I don't mean just "saying it". I mean it by doing it (and I don't mean having sex). In fact, I could care less all that jazz about sex. I mean it by being available, caring and being attentive. Birthday? no questions asked, a bottle of good wine and birthday cake, 1 hour driving in the middle of week for a surprise visit (and finals week at that), just to say happy birthday and a kiss. I care about the time we spend together, as a couple, talking, making conversations, understanding each other, and just being together...
Making dinner together, just having a nice walk around. She's almost my wife at some point. And I love how we were almost best friends and had no hesitating in communicating... at least that lasted for a few months. I enjoyed how we cared for one another. I love making her feel appreciated... even just a little note, or even an online message telling how much I love her and miss her. Somehow, that was all voluntary. I never gave too much thought to them, they all just came naturally.
and damnit man. Fucking DAMNIT! I tell you, I'm sick of this FUCKING non-sense. Nice guys NEVER win. She told me she's not sure. Not sure what? a few weeks away and her heart was gone like that? "why can't we just be friends?" What kind of FUCKING question was that? I hate these god damn people having no sense of commitment, and are just jumping around from guys to guys (or girls to girls, or whatever combination you got) looking for a good fuck.
And you know, all these people bitching about not being able to find nice guys/girls. Really, how do most people actually react when they meet a nice guy/girl? they just toss em away. Eh, you know, after a year or two, things get BORRRING. Go have fun, go fuck around. I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO interest in these pathetic relationships. If it's all just about sex, or whatever, having a good time. GO FUCK YOURSELF, and good luck finding a decent husband. I can understand why there is such a high divorce rate. When there's a problem, they immediately question, "Oh crap, there's something wrong in the relationship and I should look for a NEW one". Instead of, "hey, since we are in a relationship, and on top of that, we are best buddies, let's try to be frank and understanding and work something out".
Hell, I'm glad I'm out. Enough rant. Haha, it's funny how much I can rant and get angry on my blog, and curse like no other, while in real life, there is a always an aura of tranquillity surrounding me.
Blah, sleep time. You know, I like blogging.
When I really think about it, this year has been pretty crazy, and it's about to get a bit crazier.
It all began with the ending it all with my ex (i.e. breaking up). Heck, it sent me straight into depressions for months.
But then, in those few months, I went through some very profound changes.
I had a new drive for forgetting her. I exercised, I ran out of my way for random things. Thing I usually hate. No, things I never thought I would get into.
Let me not go into why I ended it all despite how much I loved my ex and still do... it is what it is and nothing more can be said.
The first few months was absolutely depressing.
First semester of grad school... sometimes I don't even have the energy to get up. No, actually, sometimes I punished myself. I deprived myself sleep. I worked myself. I used work and study to take my minds off things.
I developed a routine, I blogged everything down in my old account (which I deleted afterward). I ranted, I cried, I... but still, I pulled myself together... I reached out, I met new people. I went to the bar, I talked to strangers, I became shameless. I'm not your typical shy guy. Heck no, I am unique, I am eccentric, I am intelligent and I speak my mind and opinions.
I made friends, lots of friends. I met different girls, I went on a few dates. I even took a 4 hour roadtrip to meet up some girl. I was not afraid of anything, for anything is better than me delving in depression and memories.
I tried many different things, I joined random events, I went rock climbing, I went to plays, museum nights, yoga, social gatherings, various dances, parties, and even organized my own events. For a total introvert like me, that is not typical. I just want to prove to the world: I am a happy person, I refuse to give in to depressions. I am intelligent, I am attractive, I am confident.
I even talked to a psychiatrist about it. My life is colorful, my life is open, and filled with excitement and enthusiasms. Enthusiasms I used to share with my ex... and experiences... things I used to share with my ex.
But still, despite everything I do, I still do not forget. I've accepted this fact as reality. I went out with a few different girls, and none of them led to anything more than a friendly chat. I had no interest anyway. It was merely a prove for myself. A naive confirmation of my characters--an intelligent and attractive young man. Or better yet, a blatant display of my insecurities. But, no I did not give in to loneliness or depression. I never "used" or "had fun" with any other girl just for my own gain. I stand by my principles and I am proud of them.
And amid all the chaos, I was in grad school. Classes, research, exams. I did it. I could've done better, but I did it. It wasn't a shabby job, but yes I could've done better.
But I didn't just work hard, I play hard. I improved greatly on my guitar. I released my feelings on it. I got into swing dancing. I let my energy out, I proved to the world even though I am very introverted and usually keep to myself, I am quite charming and adventurous in my own ways. And I traveled. Spontaneity was my other anti-depressant. Random roadtrips, random late night adventures. Took a week and a half off to go camping in the mid-west. Drove up to Canada with a few friends. And then hitting Germany for a week in a month, and then Switzerland, and then some more in the French alps.
I will be planning plenty more adventures... But sometimes I ask myself why? I'm not exactly sure anymore. What am I trying to accomplish? Hedonism? These used to be adventurous with my ex. The meaning of these adventures... It used to be her. I planned everything with her. She said she wanted to travel the world together, and I said we'd do it together. I was serious. I remember all the promises I made to her. I don't just talk the talk. When I say yes, I meant YES, otherwise, I would've said maybe.
Now? There is no longer us... but I still keep going. Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself, that I don't need her afterall, that the meaning behind it all isn't just her, and the reason why I always wanted her to come with me, wasn't because I was clingy. I really did love her and wanted to create many lovely memories together--indeed I did... memories that had become my greatest enemy.
Anyway, this still gets to me from time to time. I'm not an unrealistic person. I know exactly where things are heading. We probably won't even be acquaintances anymore (as it has been since the breakup). And when I say I keep my promises, I mean it. And when I said it was over, it really was... over. Call me stubborn.
Life goes on.
This is sickening...
I went swing dancing for three hours, totall exhausted and hyper. Then I went home... all of a sudden, old memories flashed in... I was in such a good mood, but...
Sigh... why do I still remember my ex? She really hurt me... but yet, I can't forget her. There hasn't been a day when her image doesn't pop up in my head... ARRRGGGHH!!!
It's okay... it's okay... we simply aren't meant to be. It's okay....
Damnit, why am I so f***ing depressed?
it's been sooo long... and I've already met another girl. I don't wanna have anything to do with this horrific game people call love. Just let me forget everything already!!! what a fool!
damnit, I deleted my old account already...
there is no longer any reason or any possibility that my ex can possibly be reading my blog...
I just feel sick...
I have been hanging out with friends all day... and my best friend came back, we're going to NYC later too.
But this nastalgic feeling... makes me feel sick...
Why am I still thinking about my ex? it's been 7 months. I've forced myself to socialize, to reach out, to try new things, to meet new girls...
this is gets to me... damnit.
Previous PostsNostalgic, posted July 14th, 2011
Dear blog:, posted July 13th, 2011
A crazy year..., posted July 9th, 2011
Nastalgic..., posted May 18th, 2011
depressed?, posted May 9th, 2011
Sadness..., posted April 30th, 2011
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